Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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