I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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