What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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