While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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