Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
