i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
