I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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