Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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