It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
