Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
