I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
