I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
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He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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