I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
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She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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