My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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