youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All the doctor said was why
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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