Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Floor bacon is actually really good
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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