true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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