I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
