I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
