don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm passing your future prison.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
