but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Less talking, more tequila
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging