he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
His nipple licking is glorious
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