the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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