who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
