True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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