I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
