guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sext me about skeletons
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
