Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
