Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
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like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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