The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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