Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
