this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
