I didn't shave. On purpose
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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