so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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