I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
