he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
