i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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