I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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