We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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