tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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