Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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