Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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