pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
