He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
