Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
