connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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