Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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