i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
