im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
