i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
