A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
