A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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