Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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