so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
