in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
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When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?